The Decision Point

I am no one and nothing. One of seven billion. More. And like you, I will spend a lifetime trying to become something, to be extraordinary in some way, to believe myself special.

We believe we are thinking about our lives, but I see now its impossibility. Life is too big to look at, too big to contain in a mind’s eye, too large to spin in the palm of a hand. I have worked all the beginnings, like a funny pages maze, and only found dead ends, meaninglessness. It’s too easy, if very time consuming.

When I was younger I felt despair. I had to force myself to look away, to distract my mind with drugs or sex or the acquisition of something new and shiny, if only briefly. Life is meaningless. Don’t say the words out loud. Don’t even think them to yourself.

This is the decision point. What to do?

There is a finite amount of time in front of you and no scoreboard. Don’t let the possibilities or their possible ramifications overwhelm you. Take a deep breath. Think about what you want and not too hard about why you want it. Think long term. What will you want your life to have looked like? But maintain a sense of urgency. The clock is ticking.

Giving up is the easiest choice. Running out the clock is the next simplest option. Whatever you manage to get, you can not keep. Everything you do is just for you.

This is some aggressively heavy shit for a rainy Thursday morning. No doubt you only came here for a minute’s entertainment. It’s ok. Be entertained. If you’re lucky, life is relentless, like a trampoline you’re bouncing on with everyone you know. You will feel tired and worn down. You will want everyone just to stop. But they can’t and you can’t, and it all goes best if, every day, you just keep jumping.