The English word injury comes from the Latin in juria, or “not right.’ This isn’t just a state of being not right, broken. It’s more. There are connotations of unfairness, of having been wronged.

a violation of a legally protected interest (as the physical or mental well-being, property, reputation, or rights of another) for which the law allows an action for legal or equitable relief

Webster

I could use some equitable relief.

More simply:

hurt, damage, or loss sustained

Webster

This is the feeling. Forget the pain, the literal sensations of being hurt. Those pass. They are (mostly) tolerable. For me, it has never been the pain. I’m not a tough guy, but pain comes and goes. What you lose, really, is experiences, opportunities, connections with other people.

This isn’t FOMO either. There is no fear of the missing out. It’s certain. You’re missing out. MO. And you will miss out for the foreseeable.

This morning, after coaching Suffer Club, I should have been on a trail ride with Dan and John, some of my bike builder friends. As you can see from the photo at the top (taken by this shredi), it was a PERFECT FUCKING MORNING for riding bikes in the woods.

Dan even promised me “stoner pace,” an acknowledgement that I’m not operating at anything like full speed. Dan is not a stoner, so you can appreciate that his willingness to slow down for me is comprised of real friendship. This is part of the loss too.

Could I ride right now? Yes. No. Maybe. It feels like I’m at a pivotal point in physical therapy. Things are improving, but still uncertain, and I didn’t feel like I could risk a setback.

The day I broke my clavicle, and apparently also destabilized my shoulder in some fundamental way beyond the mending of bone, I lay there in the dirt and felt the loss blossoming like a mushroom cloud in my soul. I was supposed to run a trail half marathon the following weekend. Poof. Gone. Lots of running and riding gone, in the time it takes to sneeze.

I’ve already written about making lemonade from these specific lemons, so I’m not going to remake that recipe now. All of those things, making the best of things, are still true and valuable, but don’t really address the loss. I’m irritated about it still. I will eventually accept it and move on, but I’m not there yet.