There are times when I have too much in my head, and it comes streaming out through the keyboard, and more floods in to takes its place. Lately, that has not been the case. I feel myself in a sort of limbo.
I am everywhere, up in the mountains hiking and skiing, down in the dark glades below, my snowshoes pounding out whatever fell from the sky the night before. And I’m in the city too, running on pavement, driving past trail heads, trying to will the ice away so I can get back into that routine of grinding out woods miles.
I have a big event upcoming, and I’m no where near ready.
The sun rises higher in the sky these days, and more birds sing their spring songs, but I am clinging to winter in the high places. In a perfect world, I would ski a few days a week, and then come back down and run the rest of the days. But there is no perfect world, or at least not one that lasts. Everything changes, all the time, and maybe for the better.
For all my motivation to get out in the cold, I’m experiencing a kind of up/down depression alongside it, and I think that might be where all the words have gone. My mind feels in constant flux. I have long lists of things to do, but in any given moment I have no clue what I should be doing.
I’m lucky. I am not having to force myself to work. I don’t have to show up anywhere in particular. The people I work with don’t mind so much when things get done. So I have maximal flexibility to chase snow days, to take time for the menial housework that soothes my mind. Depression is funny in that it remains oblivious to circumstances. I have zero problems. I am not sad about something. I am not going through something that other people are not. I am simply depressed. Some good days. Some less good.
That’s alright. I have lived this reality a long time. I know how it goes. It passes. It comes around again. If I have one frustration it’s that it crowds out my work here. It makes finding the thread of connection between action and experience harder to catch hold of. I sit at the keyboard and stare into the nothing.
I’m everywhere and no where and no where at all.