30 Rides – Day 1 (Oreo Depravity)

My good friend John, you remember him, riding his way back to himself.

I have a condition described in the medical community as “extreme lack of fitness.”  Put differently, I presently suffer from what is more commonly known as being a “fat, lazy bastard.”  (Be kind to yourself John, you’re doing the best you can.) Symptoms include months of sitting on a couch watching TV while eating thousands upon thousands of useless calories. Did you know that there is a size of Oreo now called “Mega.”  Yeah, I bought them.  That’s right. The double-stuff size just wasn’t getting me off anymore.  Ate those Mega fuckers buy the sleeve.

Now, wait.  I have excuses if you want to hear them.  I have a good one actually.  I had a doozy of a surgery on October 14, 2020.  Got my shoulder replaced. Yeah, like a hip replacement but in the shoulder region.  After that I was instructed by my world-class surgeon to eat as many Oreos as possible and under no circumstances should I ride my bike.  (John, Dr. Levine would never say that.) Hence, a strict five month regiment of TV and Oreos. 

That shit has now come to an end.  

I talked to the guy that runs this site and told him I need help with all this Oreo stuff. I proposed an idea where I will ride my bike thirty times in thirty days. And, after each ride I will send a dispatch of musings and thoughts from the day’s ride. How did I feel on the ride?  Could I fit into my jersey? How was weather?  Did my gut get in the way of my pedaling?  Did I see wildlife? Did I take a great selfie?  Did my bike look particularly sexy that day?  What was my average power output?  Did I drink an amazing coffee on the ride? Did I see that guy that wears the neon body suit, with a boom box attached to his bike?

Candidly, this idea has nothing to do with you or the guy that runs this site.  This is all about me as it usually is. (John, stop with the negative self talk. It’s cheap. Nobody likes it.)  Actually, it’s a little bit about you and the internet guy. I need some accountability to get back on track I think.  Will you be my “accountabil-a-buddies”?  Will you keep an eye on me and remind me that I am committing to ride my bike thirty times in thirty days?  Please.  If you don’t, who knows what levels of Oreo depravity I may sink into in some dark alley. 

So yeah, this is happening.  Today was day one. I rode a tried and true local route with my friend Ken. Ironically, Ken is the Pandemic MVP in as much as he bought a Peloton and dropped over 75 pounds and now finds himself back outside on the roads after a ten year hiatus.  Today, Ken pulled nearly the entire 25 mile route, politely (and frequently) looking over his left shoulder asking “how’s this pace?”  Fuck you Ken. (John, the language. Please.)  Fairly flat route.  We averaged about two miles per hour slower than the last time I rode this route in early October 2020.  Actually wound up a little gaggy on the last hill.  Ken was super fat and drunk like a year ago and now he’s trying his best to not make me throw up on MY route.  Bullshit. (John. Ken is your friend. Stop.)

In closing, to all my new accountabili-a-buddies, help me bang out this thirty day thing.  I expect there will be some ups and downs, some gutters and strikes. But if this all goes to plan, we can share a giant cyber-Oreo in thirty days! (John, there is no such thing as a cyber-Oreo.)